What I hope to document here is my 13 Week Journey to my first Ironman Race. I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to do this. I may do it in a quick journal format with my random thoughts…which may be more for me than anyone else and not to exciting to read, but if your ever considering doing an Ironman or even just a triathlon…then you can read about what goes through my mind in the training process. Highs, lows, emotions, fears, rants, etc., etc. Enjoy! PS: Forgive any spelling mistakes as I’m sure I’m just happy to get it written down…chalk it up to fatigue from lots of training J
Well this week goes down in the books for worst training week of the last 9 months. I had a major mental, physical and emotional burnout. I was still in a fragile place from my ride on Sunday when the week started. Monday stated with me being late to work, seems the story of my last few months or so of Ironman training, my body is just so darn tired, that it doesn’t register the 4, yes 4 alarms that go off in the morning to wake me up for work. It’s getting to the point that I have trouble falling asleep for fear I’ll wake up late. I am on such a tight schedule with training etc that it’s hard to stay later at work to make up the time I miss. I know my work is suffering a bit, and I’ve back off on a lot of commitments, and sometimes feel I’m just doing mediocre work, and letting my fellow workers down. Which doesn’t make me happy, but it’s all I can seem to muster lately.
So starts Monday, I got my work done, and headed off to swim, which I must say I think God knew my body was done, and purposely had the kid throw up in the pool so that it was closed and I couldn’t swim. My shoulder was sore and I just was dreading doing anything related to swimming. So blessing in disguise? Maybe. So…I went and got in my 1:15 hour easy run on the treadmill. It was all I could do to stay on it and complete my time. I was like lead, and my body was protesting HARD to any physical movement. The problem was I wasn’t going to give up, I had a “training plan” to follow and if I couldn’t swim I was going to run.
I have a hard time with letting things go. This I have realized the most during this journey with training. I have always known that I do this with my everyday life. But Ironman training has a way of really giving you an “IN YOUR FACE” look of what your flaws are, how far you are willing to push yourself, and do you really know when enough is enough, and to let it go. And it’s really good at breaking you down until you have nothing left and you have to face it, face your fear of what’s next and what are you going to do to fix it. I’m learning this the hard way. Looking back at my life, I am the youngest child in my family, and the only girl. I was spoiled, I freely admit that, my brothers bless them, didn’t rub it in too much. But I think I also always had that attitude that I would get what I wanted eventually, so I didn’t have to work as hard for what I wanted. Maybe that’s why I push myself and challenge myself with activities that seem so extreme. I want to prove that I can do it and not need to think it’s going to be easy to get. This is by far one of the hardest challenges of my life. I had people tell me, are you sure you can do this, isn’t it going to be too hard for you. They know me, but then, they also believe in me, and support me to go for it, keeping their opinions to themselves. I’m learning a lot from this journey, this is really just the tip of the iceberg. It’s my own personal therapy. This week, I hit rock bottom.
This week is no exception when I say I hit rock bottom. By the time I was done with that run. I wanted to cry. I came home, and well, took two Vicodin because I was hurting so much. I think I also used it as an escape. This scares me a bit. I pride myself on not “checking out” with drugs. But I also know that I was genuinely hurting in my back. It’s also been the other big challenge of this Ironman Journey. Training with a torn ligament and two bulging discs in my back. I also know this was the hardest week of training I’ve done to date, and I was well aware that I was going to be hurting. I just feel like I’m using that as my answer for pain over trying to do something else. I must admit that I am feeling nervous to write this down, fearing I may be perceived as becoming addicted to the meds, but it’s a fear I have so the only way to face it is to admit it. When you feel like you hit bottom. Everything becomes a fear.
The aloneness also set in hard this week. Being alone, having no support system that I can fall back on. This is also hard for me. The training requires me to do a lot on my own. It states right in the training manual that I need to be able to handle being alone, and be okay with it, and my emotions will run wild and rampant. This means that I’m not at a happy balance with my training. I am a self proclaimed hermit with some stuff. I have always been shy and it’s hard for me to make new friends, and then those I do let in, they have to understand my moods, and how I need to have down time to “recharge” from being around lots of people. I have definitely come more out of my shell with this training in some ways. I have met so many more people during this journey and made new friends. But it’s still not the same. I still feel insanely alone sometimes, even in a crowd of people. I think this is more from before my Ironman training but, the training just exacerbates this aloneness. So I do know that when I decide to go for another Ironman, I won’t train alone, I’ll have others who are training as well so I have a support system to help me get through the lows. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had good support from a few friends who continue to encourage me , and motivate me, and help me see I’m ok to be feeling all this. But they also are not going through this. And it’s still hard. That Is another lesson learned from this journey.
Needles to say, Tuesday, I skipped my workout, I came home and slept. And looked forward to having Wednesday off of work. I had a dental cleaning and an ortho appt to adjust my braces. I looked so forward to sleeping in until 8:30 Am. That was my “treat’ and so was my impromptu haircut that was needed. It’s bad when the hair stylist has to say “wow your tight, just relax” for the “mini massage” they give you before they cut your hair, LOL!! I was fighting a headache all day, but just chalked it up to still not being able to relax. I went to my ortho appt to take off what I could of my hardware, and then went and got my teeth cleaned at the dentist, which I have to say gets easier each time I go. That’s a bonus. Then I was back to get my hardware put back on. And after some assessment from Dr. Young, as I assumed, I would only be able to get the top of my braces off if I wanted them off before the race. The bottom is just taking longer. So I still set up an appt and will decide later. I have already come to the conclusion that I’ll just have to leave them both on and I’m going to be reflective for the race L. But he still continued to close the top and I am now the proud owner of springs on my top row of braces. And he cranked hard, so it hurt! A LOT! I then came home. And poured over my mental training book. I literally wrote about 20 excerpts/quotes from the book and posted them around my room to help me refocus on my training.
Anxiety. I felt huge anxiety with my rock bottom mood. Could I really do this, and did I have the ability to finish on time. My swim, was it good enough? Could I make the bike cutoff? And the run? What if my back gave out and I couldn’t finish the run. Never once could I just tell myself….dude it’s just a race. Chill out. I’m putting all my thoughts of my self- worth on this race. Like if I don’t finish the race, then I fail myself. (Thank you mental training book for pointing that out, and that it’s not uncommon to feel that way with this type of training). So I went to bed unsettled on Wednesday. Taking Ibuprofen due to the pain from my braces being tightened, and a headache beginning. I even remember waking now in the middle of the night and took more Ibuprofen when I let the dogs out at 2am.
When I woke…..late on Thursday, ha-ha…story of my work life lately. I began getting ready only to realize that I was in the middle of a major migraine attack and that I was unable to stand for more than 5 min without getting insanely nauseated. I had to call into work, and basically was in bed the entire day. I got up maybe 4 times to let out the dogs. In retrospect, I think there were several factors contributing to my migraine. My anxiety from the last few days; the weather, I didn’t realize until later there were controlled burns, which always send me into a sinus headache/migraine. Also the tightening of my braces all played a big part in the worst migraine in my history of migraines. I had no choice but to sleep. I began to feel a bit better by the end of the day, but still was not over it 100% by bed time. I did wake Friday, blessedly to no headache, and proceeded to go slow with everything, but alas it slowly began nagging its way back and I wasn’t exactly a happy camper at work. I just hope my fellow coworkers weren’t to annoyed with my attitude, as I wasn’t as grateful as I meant to be with them having to cover my caseload on Thursday, and felt bad I couldn’t express that. So, once home on Friday. Sleep. Still I have no desire to try and do even a small one hour ride on my bike, even for “fun”. I just ran some quick errands and came home and slept.
I ran across a quote later that night on Face book. It’s very similar to one I have on my wall of quotes, but I forgot to “see” it.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow. “
So my goal for Saturday was just to let go, and try again tomorrow. And that’s what I did. I woke and had no time in mind to “get” to the Y to swim. I made it there by 9ish. My goal was just to get a feel for the water again, and remember why I was doing this and to have fun! I swam for an hour, I had a 20 min break in the middle where I chatted with two sisters, one in their 50s and the other 60s who could kick my ass with Mtn biking. We had a great conversation, where one was asking me about my race, and how she could never do one, and how she wanted to, and I could slowly feel my spirit return a little. I could feel myself remember why I wanted to do it. I also found myself encouraging her that she should always try and never give up! I was feeling a bit better. I had some freak out moments with my times again, and if I really could meet the cut off time with the swim in the race, but kept my thoughts under control. Next I jumped on the treadmill with no expectations of getting in my 3 hour run as I planned. I was going for an hour, to get back in the “flow” and I did it. I managed 1:15 hour, but I took it, because I still felt pretty tired by the end. But I was able to accept that I was not going to get the required time. I then headed over to New Frontiers’ and got some Super Green Supplement at the suggestion of a friend for helping with nutrition. And went home, took a recovery nap. And relaxed for the rest of the night. My back…it hurts again. But this time I went with Ibuprofen and Muscle Relaxer, and it still hurts, but I’m not going near the Vicodin. Had a good talk with a friend tonight who helped me gain a little more prospective on my breakdown this week. Basically, my body was telling me that I was done, I couldn’t do anymore, and I was ready to go. I need to focus the rest of my training on quality of the workout and not the quantity. And to focus on making my last few hard workouts good quality. And not worry about what happen this week, it’s my body’s way of saying it was time to taper. All the work I’ve done up to this point isn’t going to be taken away from this week and what I considered a failure in training. What I’ve done so far, is exactly what I’ve needed to do to train my body for the race. I’ve done the work, I just need to trust it. To trust my journey and know that what I’ve done is going to get me through the race. Tomorrow is a new day, I have a ride scheduled, but I’m just going to go out and do what my body will let me do. I’m not going to worry about what I “should” do or “need” to do. I’m going to do what my body will let me do and have fun, regroup, and get back on track. I’m going to listen to that quite voice that is saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow. “
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow. “
So, I got my ride in, not all of it, and that is okay, but over half of it. And that is what it will half to be today. Next up….recovery week. Seems like I needed two at this stage of training, not one. I’m feeling better mentally, and taking it one day at a time.
