What....A DNF?? What? Really? Am I Dreaming? That can't be right!!!!
Those are the three most dreaded letters combined in an Ironman. Did. Not. Finish. It's like being given the one thing you have worked hard for, trained months for, earned the right way, the honest way. And just when you are about to get it, the rug gets pulled out from under you. You have no control, you feel like your falling and you can't catch yourself. That's what a DNF feels like.
Well....Boulder. You chewed me up and spit me out and denied me my Number #3. I keep replaying in my head since race day, was there anything I could of done differently? Maybe with more processing time, I'll figure it out. But for now, I'm writing what I remember of the race days events. I'm still feeling a bit punky, nasty dehydration headache/crying headache/nausea, overall fatigue. Not the kind you want, you want the "I finished an Ironman pain". I only finished 105.8 Miles yesterday. I can't call myself an Ironman today for #3. So I sit here writing to process and recap the day, rather then standing in line, getting ready to buy my finisher gear. Oh how bummed I am right now. I'm so utterly bummed. I feel this void. All this build up, all this training... for nothing. Never in my life, did I except the possibility of a DNF. Never....
Race Day
I woke around 3 AM. I was feeling the usual nerves, but surprisingly calm for knowing I was tackling my third Ironman. I knew what was ahead of me. I knew I had a long day, but oh, I was so excited to get it done and run across that finish line to collect #3 as an Ironman and get that well earned medal. I got up/got dressed and ready to go. I then headed out the door and walked down to the race start. The air was electric. It also was somewhat hectic. As there were two transition areas, one at the school and one at the reservoir. I walked over to the track and put in the final items in my run bag, I decided that I wasn't going to fill my bottles with water, just the OSMO, thinking about the heat that would radiate off the track, I wanted cold water in my bottles, and I anticipated I'd get that at the aide station. Next, I walked over and dropped off my Special Needs bags for the run and for the bike. Once done, I walked back and stood in line at the buses to get shuttled over to the swim start. It was actually pretty quick. The 20 minute bus ride thought, felt like it was forever. Mainly because I forgot how I get motion sickness in the back of a bus. I was a little queasy by the time we got there. But I shook it off and headed over to drop of my Garmin Strap and sunglasses in my bike gear bag. Then I used the restroom before walking over to my bike to get it ready. According to the weather channel, it was going to be the perfect day. ( little did I know, it'd end up in the mid 90s, with heat radiating off the pavement over 100 degrees on the back half of the course.)
Once at my bike , I started getting my water and OSMO nutrition setup. I also pumped up my tires, which while I was doing this, some guy came up with a camera, and started asking me questions. I was a bit dazed, and blinded by the light, thinking it was a camera. But later realized that he was recording me. I didn't say much, because I was a bit overwhelmed, and focusing on what I needed to do. So I think I said something to the effect of..'yeah, just getting my bike ready to go. My baby all ready to go". LOL nice. Let's hope it doesn't make the video they make of race day. I then recall him saying something to the person. "ok, pumping bike tires...what's next". ( I was informed the next day, that it did make the video cut. I'd be the one at 1:35 in with a big smile. At least I got one good shot of me with my braces finally off....grrrr.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPeFBOLnNc0
Once I had my bike ready, I dropped off my phone to Lousia, one of my WA friends who would act as my "sherpa" today, since I had no other support. Now it was time to put on my wetsuit. I put on my trislide and got the lower half of my suit on. Then I headed over to use the restrooms before getting in line for the swim start. After about ten minutes, I just decided to go pee in the water because I wasn't going to make it through the line in time. And the canon had just went off for the pro men, then women. So off I went to wiggle my way through the athletes to stand at the 1:31-1:45 area. I chatted with a few people and then BOOM the canon went off for the Age groupers. It was time to start my day.
SWIM
Once the gun went off. We stood there for a few minutes and then the line started to move. I kept checking my wetsuit, it had felt a bit big on my practice swim. But it felt good today. Whew. No worries. This was my first time doing a self seeded swim start. Where basically, you self seed yourself in the swim corral where you think you will finish. The purpose is to make the swim less chaotic and allow you to get your best time without getting run over by athletes in a mass start. I didn't know what to expect from this, so only time would tell. I put on my goggles and cap as we started to walk. Deep Breath. I would attack this swim. I came into the race, knowing it was going to be hard and challenging, so I had my mantras in my head:
"Just stay in this moment and focus on one event at a time."
" Do what you can do at this moment in time."
"Enjoy this Journey"
"You are Ready"
"Just like in Practice"
The arch was coming closer, then I was under it and was ready to get my day started. I hit my watch, and walked into the water. It was actually kinda nice. No one was hitting me, no one was swimming over me. We were all kinda just finding our space and swimming. It was smooth, it was nice. I just kinda walked up to my waist, and glided into the water and started swimming. I felt good, I had no panic. I got into a nice rhythm and just started swimming. Before I knew it, I was past the second buoy, then the third, fourth. I didn't have to stop and take breaks like I have in the past to get myself refocused. I kept telling my self: "Long and strong" on my strokes, "stay relaxed" and "stay calm." Focused calm. And before I knew it, I was at the T1 turn buoy. Now the only problem I was having, was that I still had to pee. And it was getting to the point of it was hurting. So I got around the turn buoy and stopped for a minute to "relax", but I couldn't, and then, of course, a helpful volunteer came up to make sure I was ok. LOL, mood broken, so off I went. Then I tried again at another buoy. So this went on for a good 500 yds. I was starting to get a nasty side cramp it was hurting so much. And I was getting kinda pissed I couldn't go. Was I that conditioned from not peeing in the pool that I couldn't just go? Sorry for the TMI, but this is how it was. (Note to self....just pee in your suit before you get in the water. From all the other blogs I read, I would of been in the majority).
So, I'm thinking I lost a good 3 minutes with all the breaks trying to 'relax'. But finally I had success and got back to swimming. I did have some people swimming pretty diagonal on me, especially this one female, who I won't confirm our deny that I might of pushed off her to get her away from me. My Garmin states I actually swam 2.6 miles . I felt like I stuck pretty well to the buoys to the first turn, then off to the side about 10 yds on the second and back stretch, (I read from a IMBLD Post, that almost everyone was between 2.5 and 2.7). I got to the first buoy in 31:00 ish, the second one around 59:00, and then the final stretch home. On the last stretch of the swim, I had the luxury of swimming for the first time through spidery weeds. That was fun, when it hit my face, it felt like a spider web, and I freaked out a bit, then when I kicked, it got tangled up in my feet. and I had to relax to get it to come off. If I kicked harder, it felt like I was getting more tangled up. So I swam through a nice little patch of that for a few 100 yds.
Then, the motion sickness started to kick in. I was starting to get nauseous and queasy. Now that was a new feeling. I didn't think I was swallowing that much water. But I know that there were some waves and I did take in a good gulp or two of water. I was only breathing to the left at this point. I'd try both ways, but I ended up just feeling the most comfortable breathing only to the left. As I swam, I just kept myself focused and calm, and I would not let myself think of where I might end up for the race time. I of course wanted a PR, but I knew I had a better shot if I stayed relaxed. So things that I said in my head: "long and strong", "Do what you can do". "Relax". "Be Patient". "Stay in this moment, focus on this swim, just like in practice. Don't look ahead".
Finally, I saw the TYR arch in sight and could hear Mike Reilly calling the swimmers in. And I was able to get back into a better rhythm, and soon, before I knew it, I was at the Arch. I was happy. My stomach was queasy, but happy to be vertical. So out I came of the water. I knew I was close to my PR, but I didn't really know, my Garmin watch said 1:33, but my Chip time was 1:32:53. That was a 2 min PR from my first Ironman. At higher elevation!! And with a good three min "rest breaks" in the swim, and a longer swim in the end. I was happy!!!!
1:32:53 NEW IRONMAN SWIM PR
T1
Out of the water I came, I headed up to the wetsuit strippers, who did an excellent job of getting my wetsuit off. I think I mentioned something to them about just pulling my suit quickly over my watch. But the were very efficient, and took care to pull it safely off around my watch. Then I was off, grabbed my bag and headed around the grassy area and into the changing tents. I sat down and got to work. I got out my gear, and a nice volunteer grabbed my wetsuit to fold up and put it in my bag. I got my feet dried off, socks and shoes on. Then some sunscreen, drank some of the Coke I put in there, sipping. Helmet on, Garmin strap on. Glasses on. I got a little stuck on my arm coolers...and put them on right, took off because I thought they were backwards, then took off again and put them on correctly. (Good lesson there). I think I took a Tums here also. Because my stomach was still feeling a bit queasy. Then I stuffed my nutrition in my back pockets, and off I went. I ran out and handed off my bag, then off to get lathered up with sunscreen, then to the porta potty for a quick pee. Then I was heading off around the corner into where the bikes were racked. about 400 yds away. Here I found my row, and headed down to the end, a good 200 yds, the nice volunteers had my bike ready. It was a nice relay effect. As I ran by each volunteer, they hollered out my number. So I kept hearing "1020"..."1020"..."1020" the whole way down. And, then, there was my bike waiting for me. I grabbed it and off I went around and out the bike arch, I walked it up a hill about 100 yards away to where I could mount my bike. And off I went....
T1 Time: 11:39
BIKE
So off I went on the bike, prepared for a long day, I used the first few miles to just get my legs loose and ready for the day. I knew from the Boulder 70.3 that the first 12 miles were heading up lots of hills and the highest point on the course. When I did Boulder 70.3, I had a fast time, but I paid for it on the back half. So my goal was to go a bit easier to save energy for the back half. I felt good, I had my watch set to go off every 15 min for nutrition and hydration. I also was being very mindful of my back, since the Thursday before, I had a bad transfer at work and went down to the floor with a patient. So, I was paying close attention to how my back was feeling, that and it spasmed up during the 70.3 race. I got in the first 15 miles with a quick jaunt down St. Vrain, I was happy to fly down it at a nice 38 mph!! WEEEEE, then I turned around, which was the first of many hills that I'd ride up. I was definitely sweating by the time I got up this hill! I got to the first aid station, got fluids, jumped off and used the porta potty, didn't really need to go, but I was able to. Stretched out my back for good measure. Then back on the bike and off I went. It was good to get off, as I could feel my back doing a little tightening up. At one hour on my watch, I took a salt tablet. And sipped water, OSMO along the way. I also ate my stash bars for nutrition every thirty minutes.
I got to the second aid station and got off again to do a quick stretch with my back. It was getting more tight, but nothing near where it was in the Boulder 70.3. I found the front half of the ride to be pretty manageable, it was still hilly, but then after some of the big hills, the small false flats or 2% inclines didn't feel that bad.
About somewhere between mile 35 and 45, I think that is where I started the downward spiral. I thought I was keeping my nutrition on track, but as I look back, I think I was slowing down. I can recall, not eating much on the bike now with my Stash bars. The heat was getting to me. The first few aid stations I was only getting "warm" water, and it wasn't cooling my body off, so my body was getting hot!!! Which after just a few miles out of the station, I'd be hot with my arm coolers on. And I don't think I was hearing my watch go off every 15 min, so I was getting behind on nutrition. The rest of this ride between Miles 45-56 I am having trouble remembering other than, just focusing on my cadence, pacing myself. My Garmin stopped working near the first 20 miles of the ride, or at least, the power stopped working, and the cadence every so often would come in and out. So, I was doing most of the ride by feel. (Per Coach from reviewing, I was still right on plan, so at least I was able to go by feel pretty good.) So I made it to the half way point of 56 miles. I was so happy to be there. It was never ending hills, never ending false flats, the wind was mostly calm, which may have contributed to the overheating as I didn't have that to cool me off. And I was actually happy when I had a headwind. Luckily it wasn't to extreme.
A few of my favorite things/memories of the ride, were the signs. and the Support Crew on the route around mile 56.
Signs:
Getting up early to make this sign wasn't easy either!
Go random stranger Go
I trained for months to hold this sign.
There is no I in Team. But there's a U in Suck. Suck it up!
Lebron would have cramped by now ( on the run, so I didn't see this one, but I would of loved it!)
My other favorite was the "support crew" via. CARS inspired. That was pretty cute, at the half way point.
I couldn't wait to get to the aid station by this time, I was HOT!! I hadn't gotten off at aid station at mile 45 to stretch, I'm not really sure why and I could feel my back tightening up. So, next up was the blessed Special Needs aid station. All I could think about was getting that Coke. I needed the hit of sugar. So once there, I pulled out my Coke, took a swig, and then went through my bag, I grabbed some sun block and sprayed it on. I noted that my neck stung, and asked a volunteer if I had something back there and the response: 'ooh that looks like it hurts". Thinking back, I recall my wetsuit giving me a few pinches on the back of the neck after the first 1000 yds. I remember reaching back to adjust, and never thought about it again. apparently I got a wetsuit mark.
So, I spent about five minutes here? and got in some fluid. I noted, that I had only taken in one full bottle of OSMO, the water I refilled at each station, but I know I never got it all the way to the bottom. So, I can determine from here, that my nutrition was not correct. I was already sinking at this point, and it was starting to catch up with me. I started from here to FINALLY find ice water on the course, the first few stations had just "air temp"water, so it wasn't very good, and I was not able to cool my body off. I also, should of had all two OSMOs and full water gone, every 2 hours. I did a very poor job on this. I was still taking in my salt tablets at least every 1 1/2 hours. So at 1 hour, 2 1/2, 4 hour, and I think I stopped from there. As that's where I was bonking. ( Reading other race reports, they were taking on double the salt tablets then planned. Note to self for the next one...read up more on dehydration, and Base Performance Salts).
So...off I went after the Special Needs station and here was the dreaded false flats. From Mile 60-80, it was essentially all uphill back into Boulder. This was where I knew I had the challenge, and I thought I was ready for it. I even drove the course days before, and realized that it felt like it was doable. But once I started up the hills, it was never ending. I'd come to one, get up it, only to crest the hill, and another one was there, then crest that hill and ANOTHER one was there. And here, I was noting I was getting nausea and feeling like I wanted to throw up on the bike. I would try to force myself to just take small sips of water because I knew I had to drink, or at least hold the water in my mouth. But it was getting progressively worse. Then, I had the back starting to spasm up more on me.
Between mile 60-75, I stopped at least 2 times. One time in the shade of a tree on the other side of the road. I remember looking at my Garmin and it said 70 miles. I kept thinking...
"okay you only have 40 more to go, your over half way there"
And "Dave Scott said at mile 80, your going to have a dark moment, your going to get low and you just need to push through it, and you'll come out okay on the other side"
So in my mind, I'm like. "Okay, this is just the low point, I'm getting it earlier. I just need to push through".
But I just felt HOT. Like I was cooking on the inside. I felt uncomfortable, I just felt "off" from anything I've ever felt before. ( I learned it was in the mid 90s on the back half. and with the heat radiating off the pavement....it was in the 100s according to someones watch.)
So after a few minutes, I got back on the bike and headed out. By the time I got up to the aid station at Mile 75-76. I was getting more nausea, lightheaded, some dizziness. I grabbed some blessed ice water, then pulled over to stop and pour it over my head and down my back, swish and spit. Then I felt dizzy. I just happen to pull in by the Med Tent at the aid station. And a volunteer asked..."how you doing?".
I think I responded with "good, I think"....then "I think I need to just get in the shade for a minute, can I sit there?" pointing to the area in front of the table, on the ground. There were 5 guys in chairs just sitting/resting in the shade. A kind volunteer took my bike and I sat down with my hands on my knees. The minute I stopped, my asthma kicked in, and I had to focus on my breathing. It took a few minutes to get that settled, a volunteer brought me a cold water and I sipped.
Then as I was sitting there, feeling dizzy, lightheaded. I felt this very weird sensation, where first my legs, then my arms, my tongue started to go numb. Tingly. I had on my glasses and was just kinda zoned out in this feeling, like..."hmmmm that's not good, It can't be a stroke, because that's only one side of the body". So when a volunteer stepped up to me and said, "how you feeling?". I commented..."Well, not so hot, my arms and tongue are going numb. She then looked at me closer and said, "You just went pasty white, lets lay down and feet up, now!!"
I responded with a, "okay, that sounds like a good idea". Then, this is when I met, Medic Dan. My Angel on the course. He wandered over about this time, and took my pulse as he said hello, asked me how I was doing. I responded with the numbness in my arms and tongue , I think he responded with a , "hmmmm, well that's a new one". Then " yeah, I think we need to get you a seat on the SAG Vehicle". I of course said, "hmmm. no not yet. I just needed a minute".
I laid there for a good 20 minutes. During this time, I heard my name, and it was a gentleman I had meant the day before at the bike drop off, we had chatted for over 30 minutes about the race, etc. He walked over and looked at me lying on the ground and said "Kristie?". I looked up and sure enough is was my new friend Darren I met the day before. He had wiped out on his bike back at Mile 30 (Thinks a packet of Gu Chomps took him down). There was some stations that had a lot of trash on the road so you had to be careful.
So, by this time, I had taken an electrolyte when I first laid down. I also went through a bout of uncontrolled shivering which was fully body shaking. Again, the volunteer was there, talking. I kept seeing Medic Dan hovering around. I was trying to find humor as best as I could at this moment. I would lift up my glasses and ask, "Still pasty white?" and he would respond, "yep". So after about 25 isn minutes, I felt a little better. I slowly took my feet off the chair, then I slowly sat up. felt better, good. Not perfect but better. I felt like my stomach was settled better. So I sat there for a few minutes. Again..."still pasty white?" to Medic Dan. "yep" was always his reply. Then I slowly was able to getup and sit in the chair. sipping water, feeling like I could keep it down, no nausea or vomit feeling any more. one more time while sitting in the chair, "still Pasty White?"...."yep". Another 10 min or so went by, then Medic Dan came back and said SAG Vehicle is on it's way. I had been asking how far to the next cut off. It was five miles away. I had just over 60 min when I stopped, now I had 30. I thought I could do it. I would have to pace myself, but I felt deep in my gut, I could go on now, I just needed the break out of the sun. Then Medic Dan walked up and said, "Okay, let's go, the van is here." I resisted for a moment, then the tears began. I couldn't believe that I was going to DNF? Really DNF? that was never an option in my book. Dan gave me a pat on the back, said it's better to live to race another day. "I Know" I said. I also said, "but I'm feeling better" "I'm not sure I can do this yet". So he gently was guiding me to the van, had my bike by him.
Now by this time, all the other five guys, had loaded up in the van, and the driver was loading in the last bike, ready to grab mine. As I gained my composure back, I realized that maybe that was exactly what I needed, a good cry because all of a sudden, I was focused. I was not done yet. I couldn't finish like this, if I thought there was a chance I could finish. So I said jokingly, but not really jokingly, "look if that van is full, then I'm getting on my bike and going for the cut off, and if I feel worse, then I'll stop and I'm all yours". Ironically, the driver, turned to me, looked into the van, and said, "well actually we are full, there are no seats left." And then I looked at Medic Dan, and said, "I'm doing this, but I promise, if I feel worse, I will stop". He gave me a look and said, "okay, but I don't want to find you on the road passed out under a tree" or something to that effect. I responded with " I at least have to try, if I do have to pull out, then at least I know I gave it everything I possibly had, and I left it all out on the course."
So I put my helmet back on, re loaded all the items in my back pocket, left some at the station, and jumped back on the bike. 40 minutes from when I first arrived, I took off with a new found energy. My watch said it was 2:30 ish, I had 3 hours to make it 32 miles, or something around that. I had to just focus on keeping a steady pace, and I'd make the cut off with time to spare. But the last big hills were daunting in my mind. So I focused on the next set of miles to get to mile 80, then the aid station and hydrate, blessed ice water on arm coolers, down back, down front. I took a Gu, I was sipping water, I was drinking my OSMO. I was doing okay. My Angel came riding by on the moto. He would hold up and thumbs up sign and look back at me in the mirror, and I'd respond with a thumbs up back to him. I assumed it was him on the moto. Or, one of the other medics. But they were pretty darn awesome at checking up on me. And for someone who was here doing the race by myself, it was really nice to have someone care about what I was doing and how I was doing. I know I had tons of support form a far and online, but I needed that local support at that moment in time. So I went up and down a few more hills, then I hit aid station at mile 90, and I was feeling good still. I dosed myself in ice water. Only 22 miles to go, I can do this. Medic Dan rolls by on the moto again somewhere on my way to the next station.
The Three Bitches
I am close, I'm so close. I just keep thinking, all I need to do, is get to the run. Once I'm in the shade, I'll be alright. I just need shade. And I can walk the dam marathon if I have too. So I focus on keeping the cadence in the 88-90 zone, shift up on the hills, no grinding the gears, coaches orders. then I'm at the last big stretch of hills. I slowly make my way up them. I'm actually passing people, but I keep thinking, "stay with what you can do. Don't push it". As I come up over the last hill, I get that uneasy feeling...damm, the nausea is coming back, so I take a salt tablet, it's maybe been a little over an hour or longer maybe??. My brain is fuzzy at this point, I'm so focused on calculating time in my head to the bike cut off finish. So I take it and as big of a swig of water as I can tolerate. And I keep pedaling. Keeping the pace at 90 for cadence, no pushing. I have 1:50 to do 15 miles, I got this, I can normally do 15 miles in just over an hour. So I just need to pace myself and kept moving. I also take into account that the hills will be there. but I just stay within what I can do. I keep going. One pedal stroke at a time. I finally crest the top of the hill and that blessed long down hill is there. I coast, it's all I can manage. I need more water on me. I am HOT!!! The aid stations are so far apart, I am ready to rip off my arm coolers.
Just as I'm cresting the hill. Some guy snapped this photo of me.
I'm acutely aware, I will have a sharp left turn with the Three Sisters ( aka Bitches by the locals) to climb. This is at mile 100. I made it to 100! Only 12 miles to go!! So, I turn and start the accent up the Three Bitches. And I go up, then I go up again, then when I think I am at the third hill....ha..ha.. psych. That's hill One bitch. So, I keep heading up, I crest over the next hill, dam there's another one? what the hell? It's more like the 6.75 Bitches then the Three Bitches. I finally make it to the top. That really took it out of me. Like Really. I feel HOT! Like Body on Fire HOT! Like cooking my insides HOT!!! So I coast down the hill, and the nausea starts to come back, the desire to throw up is back. I coast the next mile or so and blessed to see the next aid station.
I come to a stop in front of the tent with water. I grab a cold water and pour it over my neck, my arm coolers, my back my front, my face/head. and then I fill my water. Then I just stand there. My asthma kicks in, I take a few relaxing breaths to just breath. I get asked by the volunteer, "how you doing?" I'm slow to respond, because at that moment, I feel the numbness, the tingling, swoop back up full force into my legs, and head up towards my arms. It's like I get lost in that moment. It's in slow motion, and surreal. I respond, with a ,.."ummmmm, I'm not sure, I just need a minute ". He offers to take me to the med tent. "No I just need a minute". Then I get dizzy, and sway. So I say," yeah lets get me in the shade. I just need shade". The volunteer helps me off my bike, think I stumbled a bit, so he grabs my bike for me. He then points, " let me walk you up to the med tent". I look back over my shoulder. It's 100 yds up the hill. I see the tent next to me about 10 yds away, that is holding the water, that has some shade. So I say "um no, I'm just going to go right here."
So I lay down in the dirt and just close my eyes. I then asked if he could get me something to put my feet up on. Which he looks for a chair or something,and finally I say, "can't you just grab some of those packs of water and stack them under my knees." So over he goes and grabs two, he puts them too far away, and I ask him to put them closer. Then, as I'm laying there.....I hear my Angel, Medic Dan off to my left saying..."There she is!!!" in a nice positive voice. I just give a small laugh and say. " I promised if I didn't feel good, I'd stop". Then my next breath " How far to the finish? and what's my cut off time?" To which Dan replies, " I am going to hide your bike, and then steal your front wheel. You are going nowhere. Except to the SAG Vehicle and a free ride to the Medical Tent.
Now, I was well aware at this time, I knew, I was done. But I still kept asking how long to cut off. "One Hour" "Fifty Minutes" "Forty Minutes". I knew once I hit forty minutes, that my day would be done, so when that time passed, I started having my good cry. My day was finished. I was not going to get to that shade, where I could walk the marathon. And finish. And get my medal. My day finished on the side of the road at Bike Aid Station 7.
I had a bag of ice under my neck, I had my feet up, by this time I was starting my shaking uncontrollably again, and another nice volunteer stayed with me the whole time. I warned him it would happen. So he talked with me and kept me distracted. Every time I started to cry, he would tell me it was okay. My Angel, Medic Dan, came to and sat with me, and talk to me as well, then would wander away, and come back to check on me. While I had a lot of volunteers check on me throughout, it was Medic Dan that kind of became my lifeline, keeping me sane. It probably helped that he was handsome with a nice smile, but it was his calming voice, that took my attempt at humor and sarcasm and matched it, to help me get through the huge feeling of defeat and failure for not getting to my goal. I knew I had to cry, because I needed to release that emotion. I had the Heart and the Will, but my Body was Done.
Ten measly miles. Ten Fucking Measly Miles. What makes it worse is when I look at it on my Garmin results.
I was so dam close. So dam close. so...so.....dam..... close. Deep Breath. My day was done. I knew it was finally done. So, slowly, with a heavy heart, I reached over...... and shut off my Garmin. I was finished at 8:02 hr/min into my race. Deep Breath, just keep it under control Dodge.
I asked if one of the volunteers had a camera on him, I told him this may seem like a strange request...But I needed my "finisher photo". I needed to remember this moment. For motivation for the next one, to remember what this felt like. So he got one of me laying down on the ground, I was smiling, sort of, because even though I was defeated, I guess I was not going down without smiling. I may have felt completely broken on the inside, but I wasn't going to show it on the outside. Next to me was Jason, I think, he was really nice at keeping an eye on me while Medic Dan was back and forth, and distracting me by talking when I would start crying about knowing my day was done. I think I also was trying to convince him that he didn't need that awesome black shirt, and that he should give it to me, since I wouldn't get a medal. One of the other volunteers took pity on me, and found me a orange volunteer shirt. Mainly I needed it to cover up, as I was back to having full body shakes, and there wasn't an emergency blanket around. And it worked really well to cover my face as I cried on and off, during this whole time on the ground. I remember asking him to find Medic Dan, I needed a picture with him. I think I learned from this, that Dan was actually a Fireman.
So when Dan wandered back. I asked for one more photo, with my Angel, Medic Dan. He came over. When I slowly sat up, I had another wave of dizziness, hence that weird attempt at a smile on my face. Here was my "Official Finisher Photo" for Boulder Ironman 2014. Thanks for taking good care of me Medic Dan.
I think, I laid back down and waited a few more minutes before the SAG Vehicle showed up. I can't quite remember. I sat up again, had help from Dan and the volunteers to stand up, which I immediately got a wave of dizziness again, so I'm glad they had ahold of me. They walked me to the van, helped me in and Dan handed me my helmet and gear. My bike was loaded in the back. Dan said he had a cot with my number on it waiting for me at the med tent, and he was gone.
And off we headed on the "Drive of Shame" in the SAG Wagon. There was another gal in the van, so she and I talked a bit about our day. I warned her I'd be a bit teary. She said no worries, she was since she got in too. The hardest part, was that we had to drive the rest of the course. Those last ten miles that would of taken me to the finish of the bike course. My body was starting to feel a bit better, I think because it knew, I was done, and wasn't going to cook my brain anymore in the heat. And of course that other part of me, that part called pride.....tried to tell me that I could of made it, just ten more miles. But the other sane part of my brain, responded with, "Really?", "Like..... REALLY?" I couldn't even argue. It was a haze of a ride back. I saw one more big hill, then the long false flat again, and I think I knew, I would not of made it. Or even if I had made it.. I don't know if I would of had the ability to get in the 26.2 to finish. Deep Breath. Cry. Deep Breath. Heart....Broken.
We got to the bike finish. And it was like a walk of shame, walking our bikes from the van down the bike chute...now past cut off time. A few spectators, gave us a nice round of applause. The other gal, said, "no, we didn't finish". They said, "it doesn't matter, we made the attempt, and that was what counted". Tears. We got into the transition and were actually able to grab our gear bags and bike and leave. It was 5:35 PM. I wished there was a way to contact my friend to get my phone. The plan was to get it back at the finish line. But I didn't, I'd have to notify her on Facebook that I was done, and meet up with her later to get it. I grabbed my gear bags, change out my bike shoes for my running shoes, and put on my shirt and pants. I loaded up what I could on my bike and my backpack, and I started to leave, but there was a group of finishers, who were stopped at the gate, and told they couldn't leave til 6 pm. That was 25 min away. I debated on just leaving my stuff and coming back, maybe go to the medical tent. But I was too tired to walk all the way to the other end and rack my bike, and I wasn't really sure where I needed to go anyway. So I just stood there with them. But finally some volunteers came, they checked our numbers with our wristbands and then let us go a bit early.
I walked out, heading for the rental. I then heard my name. And saw my new DNF friend, Darren, who was at the 76 mile with the nasty bike spill on his left shoulder. we chatted for a bit. He made me feel really good, by telling me, how much of a badass I was, for getting back on the bike and going for it. He said he remembered seeing me not get in the van, and then saw me as the van drove past. Couldn't believe with the way I looked that I actually went for it. He was bummed I didn't make it, but said that was pretty darn impressive. That made me feel good, and validated that I tried everything possible to get me to the finish. I then noticed the gal I was with in the SAG vehicle, right next to us. So I chatted a bit with her. Then because I wasn't feeling good. I ended up stopping the conversation and telling Darren I had to go. I wanted to talk, but I just needed to go. So I started walking back to the rental, but it was too hard to walk and carry my gear. So I dug out my helmet, put it on, balance my gear on my handlebars, pulled up my pants so I didn't get them caught in my gears and biked the few minutes back to my rental. Oh, how I cried when I got back. I sat down and just cried.
I then put my stuff away, I organized a few things, and sent out a quick message on Facebook because I knew everyone following would be wondering where I was, then I sent a message to Lousia to let her know, and find out where to meet to get my phone. Then I took a hot shower. I tried to drink some fluids, but could only sip. Then I wandered back down to the finish line about an hour later. I was suppose to meet Lousia, but we missed each other. And as amazing as it was to walk around and see the athletes finish. It was heartbreaking. And I was starting to feel really poorly again, breaking out in a sweat, and feeling just....HOT. And I just wanted to go lay back down. So I walked back up past the finish line, trying hard not to cry, and ironically came across the medical tent. And there was my Angel, Medic Dan.He was talking to someone, but I waited until he saw me. As I never went to the med tent when I got back to the race site. Mainly, cause I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Which is just another reason to validate I wasn't really in a good place. I just went straight back to the rental. I was so glad I got a chance to thank him again in person, and let him know I was okay. He was glad to see that I was okay, and offering me water. I said I was okay, I had some in my bag, but I really just wanted to lay down. So we chatted for a minute or two, I cried again. He gave me a hug. And then I headed back to the rental, crying the whole way. Emotionally. Physically. Done.
POST-RACE
Lousia came a bit later and dropped off my phone. And stayed with me for a bit to make sure I was okay. When she left, I got a few more things gathered around. I attempted to eat, which was pretty much impossible. Then I laid down and tried to sleep, But it was hard because I could only hear out my window, Mike Reilly calling in the finishers until midnight. It was a very rough night. I spent it reviewing everything in my frazzled brain. Was there anything I could of done different? Did I give up to soon? I could of pushed on? I could of done it? All the what-ifs and coulda, shoulda, woulda, ran through my head all night long. It was a very restless and unsettled night. But I kept thinking about how I felt. I know left it all out there, I had nothing left in the tank. I'm not sure I could of done anything differently.
I recapped the race with my coach a few days later. We rehashed everything from start to finish. All my data she reviewed showed I was on track, I followed the plan.Granted, my bike was slower, but I was on track with my power (when it worked) and my cadence (when it worked). The most we can figure is that the combo of the race day events, the heat, the humidity. Caused my body to shut down, and from that, even though I was trying to get in the fluids and nutrition, my body wasn't accepting it. And thus I started on a downward spiral somewhere around half way through the bike. I realize now, looking back that I stopped with my solid food by mile 56ish. I recall eating some of it on the back half between miles 60-70s and had to spit it out. I was ready to throw up on all fluid intake, even just sips of water. But I wonder..If i forced it down, could it have made a difference? Could I have make it and recovered? I don't know. And I've decided that, It is what it is. I can't go back and change it. So, I have to accept, I did the best I could at the time. I've learned some valuable lessons. And I know that at that time when I finally called it. I knew it was more then a "down point" in the race. I knew that I was quite possibly hurting my body, possibly permanently. They say it's harder to pull yourself out, when things are going south. We triathletes are such type A's, that it will have to take us practically losing a limb or dying before we will accept defeat. We. Don't. Give Up. We . Don't . Quit. It's Not An Option.
I slept most of the next day. I met up for lunch with my WA buddies who did finish. Cried a bit when they let me see their medal. But..I was so happy for them. I was happy that they finished. I didn't want to take away from their success and finish. I managed to get in some food. And I was happy I made myself leave the rental. But I was pretty spent with that little jaunt. So I was back at the rental once done with lunch. And spent the rest of the day mainly sleeping. I did go and get some food, to try and eat later. But then I came home and started my blog. I had so many thoughts in my head that I had to just start writing. I ended up staying up til almost 1 AM writing. Then I went to sleep. Again another fitful, unrestful sleep.
I woke on Tuesday. Got up early and headed out to go to Rocky Mountain National Park. I needed to go to the mountains to soothe my aching soul. I always feel better, when I can go to the mountains or the water. So I went and got some Rocky Mountain High. Then I came home, and attempted to eat dinner, the packed up for home on Wednesday.
I was about 20 yds away. My brothers,
were a bit jealous.
Boulder. You have given me so many amazing memories. I met my all time favorite athletes (Crowie and Rinny). I got to see my WA friends (Joe, Jason, Lousia). I got my heart broken and denied my #3 and now I have to go home empty handed. But I also got to soothe my soul in the Rocky Mountain's. I met some amazing new friends (Medic/Fireman Dan, and now my DNF Buddies!) And I'm coming home not as a failure (though it feels that way), but stronger with more lessons learned. But, I promise this....I. Will. Be. Back. And next time, I won't come home empty handed. Boulder, I'll see you Aug. 2nd, 2015. It's Redemption Time.
Lessons Learned from Boulder 2014:
1. No matter how well you plan, train, and prepare, Things happen that are out of your
control, and no matter what you do, sometimes, it just is what it is.
2. Respect the Distance. All Races are different, you can't compare them. For Boulder
Ironman..... There was an 11% DNF (249 athletes). 400 athletes ended up in the medical tent at
some point. 18 ended up in the hospital.
3. You will learn from your failures, and you will become stronger for it.
4. Nutrition- Although you thought you had it planned out. It wasn't enough for the hotter
race, with more hills. Time to reassess your nutrition needs, calories from
food/liquids/gels, etc. An overhaul perhaps?
5. Dehydration- education yourself on it...extensively.
6. Bike Training-- Hill Work. LOTS OF HILL WORK.
7. Move to Colorado.....
8. Train in Humidity. And figure out what the heck is going on with this "asthma" thing.
Seriously frustrating that it just started this past Spring.
8. Train on course with the Training Camp Weekends that will be provided for Boulder Ironman.
I know I have more to add...but this is all I have for now.
I'm taking two quotes off of Fireman Rob's Wall. He didn't finish either.
"There are times in life when both physical and mental strength align. And then there are times when even with whole hearted dedication and training the elements and/or conditions can bring even the strongest of us to our knees."
"Our Greatest Glory is not in never falling but rising every time we fall."
"Just stay in this moment and focus on one event at a time."
" Do what you can do at this moment in time."
"Enjoy this Journey"
"You are Ready"
"Just like in Practice"
The arch was coming closer, then I was under it and was ready to get my day started. I hit my watch, and walked into the water. It was actually kinda nice. No one was hitting me, no one was swimming over me. We were all kinda just finding our space and swimming. It was smooth, it was nice. I just kinda walked up to my waist, and glided into the water and started swimming. I felt good, I had no panic. I got into a nice rhythm and just started swimming. Before I knew it, I was past the second buoy, then the third, fourth. I didn't have to stop and take breaks like I have in the past to get myself refocused. I kept telling my self: "Long and strong" on my strokes, "stay relaxed" and "stay calm." Focused calm. And before I knew it, I was at the T1 turn buoy. Now the only problem I was having, was that I still had to pee. And it was getting to the point of it was hurting. So I got around the turn buoy and stopped for a minute to "relax", but I couldn't, and then, of course, a helpful volunteer came up to make sure I was ok. LOL, mood broken, so off I went. Then I tried again at another buoy. So this went on for a good 500 yds. I was starting to get a nasty side cramp it was hurting so much. And I was getting kinda pissed I couldn't go. Was I that conditioned from not peeing in the pool that I couldn't just go? Sorry for the TMI, but this is how it was. (Note to self....just pee in your suit before you get in the water. From all the other blogs I read, I would of been in the majority).
So, I'm thinking I lost a good 3 minutes with all the breaks trying to 'relax'. But finally I had success and got back to swimming. I did have some people swimming pretty diagonal on me, especially this one female, who I won't confirm our deny that I might of pushed off her to get her away from me. My Garmin states I actually swam 2.6 miles . I felt like I stuck pretty well to the buoys to the first turn, then off to the side about 10 yds on the second and back stretch, (I read from a IMBLD Post, that almost everyone was between 2.5 and 2.7). I got to the first buoy in 31:00 ish, the second one around 59:00, and then the final stretch home. On the last stretch of the swim, I had the luxury of swimming for the first time through spidery weeds. That was fun, when it hit my face, it felt like a spider web, and I freaked out a bit, then when I kicked, it got tangled up in my feet. and I had to relax to get it to come off. If I kicked harder, it felt like I was getting more tangled up. So I swam through a nice little patch of that for a few 100 yds.
Then, the motion sickness started to kick in. I was starting to get nauseous and queasy. Now that was a new feeling. I didn't think I was swallowing that much water. But I know that there were some waves and I did take in a good gulp or two of water. I was only breathing to the left at this point. I'd try both ways, but I ended up just feeling the most comfortable breathing only to the left. As I swam, I just kept myself focused and calm, and I would not let myself think of where I might end up for the race time. I of course wanted a PR, but I knew I had a better shot if I stayed relaxed. So things that I said in my head: "long and strong", "Do what you can do". "Relax". "Be Patient". "Stay in this moment, focus on this swim, just like in practice. Don't look ahead".
Finally, I saw the TYR arch in sight and could hear Mike Reilly calling the swimmers in. And I was able to get back into a better rhythm, and soon, before I knew it, I was at the Arch. I was happy. My stomach was queasy, but happy to be vertical. So out I came of the water. I knew I was close to my PR, but I didn't really know, my Garmin watch said 1:33, but my Chip time was 1:32:53. That was a 2 min PR from my first Ironman. At higher elevation!! And with a good three min "rest breaks" in the swim, and a longer swim in the end. I was happy!!!!
1:32:53 NEW IRONMAN SWIM PR
T1
Out of the water I came, I headed up to the wetsuit strippers, who did an excellent job of getting my wetsuit off. I think I mentioned something to them about just pulling my suit quickly over my watch. But the were very efficient, and took care to pull it safely off around my watch. Then I was off, grabbed my bag and headed around the grassy area and into the changing tents. I sat down and got to work. I got out my gear, and a nice volunteer grabbed my wetsuit to fold up and put it in my bag. I got my feet dried off, socks and shoes on. Then some sunscreen, drank some of the Coke I put in there, sipping. Helmet on, Garmin strap on. Glasses on. I got a little stuck on my arm coolers...and put them on right, took off because I thought they were backwards, then took off again and put them on correctly. (Good lesson there). I think I took a Tums here also. Because my stomach was still feeling a bit queasy. Then I stuffed my nutrition in my back pockets, and off I went. I ran out and handed off my bag, then off to get lathered up with sunscreen, then to the porta potty for a quick pee. Then I was heading off around the corner into where the bikes were racked. about 400 yds away. Here I found my row, and headed down to the end, a good 200 yds, the nice volunteers had my bike ready. It was a nice relay effect. As I ran by each volunteer, they hollered out my number. So I kept hearing "1020"..."1020"..."1020" the whole way down. And, then, there was my bike waiting for me. I grabbed it and off I went around and out the bike arch, I walked it up a hill about 100 yards away to where I could mount my bike. And off I went....
T1 Time: 11:39
BIKE
So off I went on the bike, prepared for a long day, I used the first few miles to just get my legs loose and ready for the day. I knew from the Boulder 70.3 that the first 12 miles were heading up lots of hills and the highest point on the course. When I did Boulder 70.3, I had a fast time, but I paid for it on the back half. So my goal was to go a bit easier to save energy for the back half. I felt good, I had my watch set to go off every 15 min for nutrition and hydration. I also was being very mindful of my back, since the Thursday before, I had a bad transfer at work and went down to the floor with a patient. So, I was paying close attention to how my back was feeling, that and it spasmed up during the 70.3 race. I got in the first 15 miles with a quick jaunt down St. Vrain, I was happy to fly down it at a nice 38 mph!! WEEEEE, then I turned around, which was the first of many hills that I'd ride up. I was definitely sweating by the time I got up this hill! I got to the first aid station, got fluids, jumped off and used the porta potty, didn't really need to go, but I was able to. Stretched out my back for good measure. Then back on the bike and off I went. It was good to get off, as I could feel my back doing a little tightening up. At one hour on my watch, I took a salt tablet. And sipped water, OSMO along the way. I also ate my stash bars for nutrition every thirty minutes.
I got to the second aid station and got off again to do a quick stretch with my back. It was getting more tight, but nothing near where it was in the Boulder 70.3. I found the front half of the ride to be pretty manageable, it was still hilly, but then after some of the big hills, the small false flats or 2% inclines didn't feel that bad.
About somewhere between mile 35 and 45, I think that is where I started the downward spiral. I thought I was keeping my nutrition on track, but as I look back, I think I was slowing down. I can recall, not eating much on the bike now with my Stash bars. The heat was getting to me. The first few aid stations I was only getting "warm" water, and it wasn't cooling my body off, so my body was getting hot!!! Which after just a few miles out of the station, I'd be hot with my arm coolers on. And I don't think I was hearing my watch go off every 15 min, so I was getting behind on nutrition. The rest of this ride between Miles 45-56 I am having trouble remembering other than, just focusing on my cadence, pacing myself. My Garmin stopped working near the first 20 miles of the ride, or at least, the power stopped working, and the cadence every so often would come in and out. So, I was doing most of the ride by feel. (Per Coach from reviewing, I was still right on plan, so at least I was able to go by feel pretty good.) So I made it to the half way point of 56 miles. I was so happy to be there. It was never ending hills, never ending false flats, the wind was mostly calm, which may have contributed to the overheating as I didn't have that to cool me off. And I was actually happy when I had a headwind. Luckily it wasn't to extreme.
A few of my favorite things/memories of the ride, were the signs. and the Support Crew on the route around mile 56.
Signs:
Getting up early to make this sign wasn't easy either!
Go random stranger Go
I trained for months to hold this sign.
There is no I in Team. But there's a U in Suck. Suck it up!
Lebron would have cramped by now ( on the run, so I didn't see this one, but I would of loved it!)
My other favorite was the "support crew" via. CARS inspired. That was pretty cute, at the half way point.
I couldn't wait to get to the aid station by this time, I was HOT!! I hadn't gotten off at aid station at mile 45 to stretch, I'm not really sure why and I could feel my back tightening up. So, next up was the blessed Special Needs aid station. All I could think about was getting that Coke. I needed the hit of sugar. So once there, I pulled out my Coke, took a swig, and then went through my bag, I grabbed some sun block and sprayed it on. I noted that my neck stung, and asked a volunteer if I had something back there and the response: 'ooh that looks like it hurts". Thinking back, I recall my wetsuit giving me a few pinches on the back of the neck after the first 1000 yds. I remember reaching back to adjust, and never thought about it again. apparently I got a wetsuit mark.
So, I spent about five minutes here? and got in some fluid. I noted, that I had only taken in one full bottle of OSMO, the water I refilled at each station, but I know I never got it all the way to the bottom. So, I can determine from here, that my nutrition was not correct. I was already sinking at this point, and it was starting to catch up with me. I started from here to FINALLY find ice water on the course, the first few stations had just "air temp"water, so it wasn't very good, and I was not able to cool my body off. I also, should of had all two OSMOs and full water gone, every 2 hours. I did a very poor job on this. I was still taking in my salt tablets at least every 1 1/2 hours. So at 1 hour, 2 1/2, 4 hour, and I think I stopped from there. As that's where I was bonking. ( Reading other race reports, they were taking on double the salt tablets then planned. Note to self for the next one...read up more on dehydration, and Base Performance Salts).
So...off I went after the Special Needs station and here was the dreaded false flats. From Mile 60-80, it was essentially all uphill back into Boulder. This was where I knew I had the challenge, and I thought I was ready for it. I even drove the course days before, and realized that it felt like it was doable. But once I started up the hills, it was never ending. I'd come to one, get up it, only to crest the hill, and another one was there, then crest that hill and ANOTHER one was there. And here, I was noting I was getting nausea and feeling like I wanted to throw up on the bike. I would try to force myself to just take small sips of water because I knew I had to drink, or at least hold the water in my mouth. But it was getting progressively worse. Then, I had the back starting to spasm up more on me.
Between mile 60-75, I stopped at least 2 times. One time in the shade of a tree on the other side of the road. I remember looking at my Garmin and it said 70 miles. I kept thinking...
"okay you only have 40 more to go, your over half way there"
And "Dave Scott said at mile 80, your going to have a dark moment, your going to get low and you just need to push through it, and you'll come out okay on the other side"
So in my mind, I'm like. "Okay, this is just the low point, I'm getting it earlier. I just need to push through".
But I just felt HOT. Like I was cooking on the inside. I felt uncomfortable, I just felt "off" from anything I've ever felt before. ( I learned it was in the mid 90s on the back half. and with the heat radiating off the pavement....it was in the 100s according to someones watch.)
So after a few minutes, I got back on the bike and headed out. By the time I got up to the aid station at Mile 75-76. I was getting more nausea, lightheaded, some dizziness. I grabbed some blessed ice water, then pulled over to stop and pour it over my head and down my back, swish and spit. Then I felt dizzy. I just happen to pull in by the Med Tent at the aid station. And a volunteer asked..."how you doing?".
I think I responded with "good, I think"....then "I think I need to just get in the shade for a minute, can I sit there?" pointing to the area in front of the table, on the ground. There were 5 guys in chairs just sitting/resting in the shade. A kind volunteer took my bike and I sat down with my hands on my knees. The minute I stopped, my asthma kicked in, and I had to focus on my breathing. It took a few minutes to get that settled, a volunteer brought me a cold water and I sipped.
Then as I was sitting there, feeling dizzy, lightheaded. I felt this very weird sensation, where first my legs, then my arms, my tongue started to go numb. Tingly. I had on my glasses and was just kinda zoned out in this feeling, like..."hmmmm that's not good, It can't be a stroke, because that's only one side of the body". So when a volunteer stepped up to me and said, "how you feeling?". I commented..."Well, not so hot, my arms and tongue are going numb. She then looked at me closer and said, "You just went pasty white, lets lay down and feet up, now!!"
I responded with a, "okay, that sounds like a good idea". Then, this is when I met, Medic Dan. My Angel on the course. He wandered over about this time, and took my pulse as he said hello, asked me how I was doing. I responded with the numbness in my arms and tongue , I think he responded with a , "hmmmm, well that's a new one". Then " yeah, I think we need to get you a seat on the SAG Vehicle". I of course said, "hmmm. no not yet. I just needed a minute".
I laid there for a good 20 minutes. During this time, I heard my name, and it was a gentleman I had meant the day before at the bike drop off, we had chatted for over 30 minutes about the race, etc. He walked over and looked at me lying on the ground and said "Kristie?". I looked up and sure enough is was my new friend Darren I met the day before. He had wiped out on his bike back at Mile 30 (Thinks a packet of Gu Chomps took him down). There was some stations that had a lot of trash on the road so you had to be careful.
So, by this time, I had taken an electrolyte when I first laid down. I also went through a bout of uncontrolled shivering which was fully body shaking. Again, the volunteer was there, talking. I kept seeing Medic Dan hovering around. I was trying to find humor as best as I could at this moment. I would lift up my glasses and ask, "Still pasty white?" and he would respond, "yep". So after about 25 isn minutes, I felt a little better. I slowly took my feet off the chair, then I slowly sat up. felt better, good. Not perfect but better. I felt like my stomach was settled better. So I sat there for a few minutes. Again..."still pasty white?" to Medic Dan. "yep" was always his reply. Then I slowly was able to getup and sit in the chair. sipping water, feeling like I could keep it down, no nausea or vomit feeling any more. one more time while sitting in the chair, "still Pasty White?"...."yep". Another 10 min or so went by, then Medic Dan came back and said SAG Vehicle is on it's way. I had been asking how far to the next cut off. It was five miles away. I had just over 60 min when I stopped, now I had 30. I thought I could do it. I would have to pace myself, but I felt deep in my gut, I could go on now, I just needed the break out of the sun. Then Medic Dan walked up and said, "Okay, let's go, the van is here." I resisted for a moment, then the tears began. I couldn't believe that I was going to DNF? Really DNF? that was never an option in my book. Dan gave me a pat on the back, said it's better to live to race another day. "I Know" I said. I also said, "but I'm feeling better" "I'm not sure I can do this yet". So he gently was guiding me to the van, had my bike by him.
Now by this time, all the other five guys, had loaded up in the van, and the driver was loading in the last bike, ready to grab mine. As I gained my composure back, I realized that maybe that was exactly what I needed, a good cry because all of a sudden, I was focused. I was not done yet. I couldn't finish like this, if I thought there was a chance I could finish. So I said jokingly, but not really jokingly, "look if that van is full, then I'm getting on my bike and going for the cut off, and if I feel worse, then I'll stop and I'm all yours". Ironically, the driver, turned to me, looked into the van, and said, "well actually we are full, there are no seats left." And then I looked at Medic Dan, and said, "I'm doing this, but I promise, if I feel worse, I will stop". He gave me a look and said, "okay, but I don't want to find you on the road passed out under a tree" or something to that effect. I responded with " I at least have to try, if I do have to pull out, then at least I know I gave it everything I possibly had, and I left it all out on the course."
So I put my helmet back on, re loaded all the items in my back pocket, left some at the station, and jumped back on the bike. 40 minutes from when I first arrived, I took off with a new found energy. My watch said it was 2:30 ish, I had 3 hours to make it 32 miles, or something around that. I had to just focus on keeping a steady pace, and I'd make the cut off with time to spare. But the last big hills were daunting in my mind. So I focused on the next set of miles to get to mile 80, then the aid station and hydrate, blessed ice water on arm coolers, down back, down front. I took a Gu, I was sipping water, I was drinking my OSMO. I was doing okay. My Angel came riding by on the moto. He would hold up and thumbs up sign and look back at me in the mirror, and I'd respond with a thumbs up back to him. I assumed it was him on the moto. Or, one of the other medics. But they were pretty darn awesome at checking up on me. And for someone who was here doing the race by myself, it was really nice to have someone care about what I was doing and how I was doing. I know I had tons of support form a far and online, but I needed that local support at that moment in time. So I went up and down a few more hills, then I hit aid station at mile 90, and I was feeling good still. I dosed myself in ice water. Only 22 miles to go, I can do this. Medic Dan rolls by on the moto again somewhere on my way to the next station.
I am close, I'm so close. I just keep thinking, all I need to do, is get to the run. Once I'm in the shade, I'll be alright. I just need shade. And I can walk the dam marathon if I have too. So I focus on keeping the cadence in the 88-90 zone, shift up on the hills, no grinding the gears, coaches orders. then I'm at the last big stretch of hills. I slowly make my way up them. I'm actually passing people, but I keep thinking, "stay with what you can do. Don't push it". As I come up over the last hill, I get that uneasy feeling...damm, the nausea is coming back, so I take a salt tablet, it's maybe been a little over an hour or longer maybe??. My brain is fuzzy at this point, I'm so focused on calculating time in my head to the bike cut off finish. So I take it and as big of a swig of water as I can tolerate. And I keep pedaling. Keeping the pace at 90 for cadence, no pushing. I have 1:50 to do 15 miles, I got this, I can normally do 15 miles in just over an hour. So I just need to pace myself and kept moving. I also take into account that the hills will be there. but I just stay within what I can do. I keep going. One pedal stroke at a time. I finally crest the top of the hill and that blessed long down hill is there. I coast, it's all I can manage. I need more water on me. I am HOT!!! The aid stations are so far apart, I am ready to rip off my arm coolers.
I'm acutely aware, I will have a sharp left turn with the Three Sisters ( aka Bitches by the locals) to climb. This is at mile 100. I made it to 100! Only 12 miles to go!! So, I turn and start the accent up the Three Bitches. And I go up, then I go up again, then when I think I am at the third hill....ha..ha.. psych. That's hill One bitch. So, I keep heading up, I crest over the next hill, dam there's another one? what the hell? It's more like the 6.75 Bitches then the Three Bitches. I finally make it to the top. That really took it out of me. Like Really. I feel HOT! Like Body on Fire HOT! Like cooking my insides HOT!!! So I coast down the hill, and the nausea starts to come back, the desire to throw up is back. I coast the next mile or so and blessed to see the next aid station.
I come to a stop in front of the tent with water. I grab a cold water and pour it over my neck, my arm coolers, my back my front, my face/head. and then I fill my water. Then I just stand there. My asthma kicks in, I take a few relaxing breaths to just breath. I get asked by the volunteer, "how you doing?" I'm slow to respond, because at that moment, I feel the numbness, the tingling, swoop back up full force into my legs, and head up towards my arms. It's like I get lost in that moment. It's in slow motion, and surreal. I respond, with a ,.."ummmmm, I'm not sure, I just need a minute ". He offers to take me to the med tent. "No I just need a minute". Then I get dizzy, and sway. So I say," yeah lets get me in the shade. I just need shade". The volunteer helps me off my bike, think I stumbled a bit, so he grabs my bike for me. He then points, " let me walk you up to the med tent". I look back over my shoulder. It's 100 yds up the hill. I see the tent next to me about 10 yds away, that is holding the water, that has some shade. So I say "um no, I'm just going to go right here."
So I lay down in the dirt and just close my eyes. I then asked if he could get me something to put my feet up on. Which he looks for a chair or something,and finally I say, "can't you just grab some of those packs of water and stack them under my knees." So over he goes and grabs two, he puts them too far away, and I ask him to put them closer. Then, as I'm laying there.....I hear my Angel, Medic Dan off to my left saying..."There she is!!!" in a nice positive voice. I just give a small laugh and say. " I promised if I didn't feel good, I'd stop". Then my next breath " How far to the finish? and what's my cut off time?" To which Dan replies, " I am going to hide your bike, and then steal your front wheel. You are going nowhere. Except to the SAG Vehicle and a free ride to the Medical Tent.
Now, I was well aware at this time, I knew, I was done. But I still kept asking how long to cut off. "One Hour" "Fifty Minutes" "Forty Minutes". I knew once I hit forty minutes, that my day would be done, so when that time passed, I started having my good cry. My day was finished. I was not going to get to that shade, where I could walk the marathon. And finish. And get my medal. My day finished on the side of the road at Bike Aid Station 7.
I had a bag of ice under my neck, I had my feet up, by this time I was starting my shaking uncontrollably again, and another nice volunteer stayed with me the whole time. I warned him it would happen. So he talked with me and kept me distracted. Every time I started to cry, he would tell me it was okay. My Angel, Medic Dan, came to and sat with me, and talk to me as well, then would wander away, and come back to check on me. While I had a lot of volunteers check on me throughout, it was Medic Dan that kind of became my lifeline, keeping me sane. It probably helped that he was handsome with a nice smile, but it was his calming voice, that took my attempt at humor and sarcasm and matched it, to help me get through the huge feeling of defeat and failure for not getting to my goal. I knew I had to cry, because I needed to release that emotion. I had the Heart and the Will, but my Body was Done.
Ten measly miles. Ten Fucking Measly Miles. What makes it worse is when I look at it on my Garmin results.
I was so dam close. So dam close. so...so.....dam..... close. Deep Breath. My day was done. I knew it was finally done. So, slowly, with a heavy heart, I reached over...... and shut off my Garmin. I was finished at 8:02 hr/min into my race. Deep Breath, just keep it under control Dodge.
I asked if one of the volunteers had a camera on him, I told him this may seem like a strange request...But I needed my "finisher photo". I needed to remember this moment. For motivation for the next one, to remember what this felt like. So he got one of me laying down on the ground, I was smiling, sort of, because even though I was defeated, I guess I was not going down without smiling. I may have felt completely broken on the inside, but I wasn't going to show it on the outside. Next to me was Jason, I think, he was really nice at keeping an eye on me while Medic Dan was back and forth, and distracting me by talking when I would start crying about knowing my day was done. I think I also was trying to convince him that he didn't need that awesome black shirt, and that he should give it to me, since I wouldn't get a medal. One of the other volunteers took pity on me, and found me a orange volunteer shirt. Mainly I needed it to cover up, as I was back to having full body shakes, and there wasn't an emergency blanket around. And it worked really well to cover my face as I cried on and off, during this whole time on the ground. I remember asking him to find Medic Dan, I needed a picture with him. I think I learned from this, that Dan was actually a Fireman.
So when Dan wandered back. I asked for one more photo, with my Angel, Medic Dan. He came over. When I slowly sat up, I had another wave of dizziness, hence that weird attempt at a smile on my face. Here was my "Official Finisher Photo" for Boulder Ironman 2014. Thanks for taking good care of me Medic Dan.
I think, I laid back down and waited a few more minutes before the SAG Vehicle showed up. I can't quite remember. I sat up again, had help from Dan and the volunteers to stand up, which I immediately got a wave of dizziness again, so I'm glad they had ahold of me. They walked me to the van, helped me in and Dan handed me my helmet and gear. My bike was loaded in the back. Dan said he had a cot with my number on it waiting for me at the med tent, and he was gone.
And off we headed on the "Drive of Shame" in the SAG Wagon. There was another gal in the van, so she and I talked a bit about our day. I warned her I'd be a bit teary. She said no worries, she was since she got in too. The hardest part, was that we had to drive the rest of the course. Those last ten miles that would of taken me to the finish of the bike course. My body was starting to feel a bit better, I think because it knew, I was done, and wasn't going to cook my brain anymore in the heat. And of course that other part of me, that part called pride.....tried to tell me that I could of made it, just ten more miles. But the other sane part of my brain, responded with, "Really?", "Like..... REALLY?" I couldn't even argue. It was a haze of a ride back. I saw one more big hill, then the long false flat again, and I think I knew, I would not of made it. Or even if I had made it.. I don't know if I would of had the ability to get in the 26.2 to finish. Deep Breath. Cry. Deep Breath. Heart....Broken.
We got to the bike finish. And it was like a walk of shame, walking our bikes from the van down the bike chute...now past cut off time. A few spectators, gave us a nice round of applause. The other gal, said, "no, we didn't finish". They said, "it doesn't matter, we made the attempt, and that was what counted". Tears. We got into the transition and were actually able to grab our gear bags and bike and leave. It was 5:35 PM. I wished there was a way to contact my friend to get my phone. The plan was to get it back at the finish line. But I didn't, I'd have to notify her on Facebook that I was done, and meet up with her later to get it. I grabbed my gear bags, change out my bike shoes for my running shoes, and put on my shirt and pants. I loaded up what I could on my bike and my backpack, and I started to leave, but there was a group of finishers, who were stopped at the gate, and told they couldn't leave til 6 pm. That was 25 min away. I debated on just leaving my stuff and coming back, maybe go to the medical tent. But I was too tired to walk all the way to the other end and rack my bike, and I wasn't really sure where I needed to go anyway. So I just stood there with them. But finally some volunteers came, they checked our numbers with our wristbands and then let us go a bit early.
I walked out, heading for the rental. I then heard my name. And saw my new DNF friend, Darren, who was at the 76 mile with the nasty bike spill on his left shoulder. we chatted for a bit. He made me feel really good, by telling me, how much of a badass I was, for getting back on the bike and going for it. He said he remembered seeing me not get in the van, and then saw me as the van drove past. Couldn't believe with the way I looked that I actually went for it. He was bummed I didn't make it, but said that was pretty darn impressive. That made me feel good, and validated that I tried everything possible to get me to the finish. I then noticed the gal I was with in the SAG vehicle, right next to us. So I chatted a bit with her. Then because I wasn't feeling good. I ended up stopping the conversation and telling Darren I had to go. I wanted to talk, but I just needed to go. So I started walking back to the rental, but it was too hard to walk and carry my gear. So I dug out my helmet, put it on, balance my gear on my handlebars, pulled up my pants so I didn't get them caught in my gears and biked the few minutes back to my rental. Oh, how I cried when I got back. I sat down and just cried.
I then put my stuff away, I organized a few things, and sent out a quick message on Facebook because I knew everyone following would be wondering where I was, then I sent a message to Lousia to let her know, and find out where to meet to get my phone. Then I took a hot shower. I tried to drink some fluids, but could only sip. Then I wandered back down to the finish line about an hour later. I was suppose to meet Lousia, but we missed each other. And as amazing as it was to walk around and see the athletes finish. It was heartbreaking. And I was starting to feel really poorly again, breaking out in a sweat, and feeling just....HOT. And I just wanted to go lay back down. So I walked back up past the finish line, trying hard not to cry, and ironically came across the medical tent. And there was my Angel, Medic Dan.He was talking to someone, but I waited until he saw me. As I never went to the med tent when I got back to the race site. Mainly, cause I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Which is just another reason to validate I wasn't really in a good place. I just went straight back to the rental. I was so glad I got a chance to thank him again in person, and let him know I was okay. He was glad to see that I was okay, and offering me water. I said I was okay, I had some in my bag, but I really just wanted to lay down. So we chatted for a minute or two, I cried again. He gave me a hug. And then I headed back to the rental, crying the whole way. Emotionally. Physically. Done.
POST-RACE
Lousia came a bit later and dropped off my phone. And stayed with me for a bit to make sure I was okay. When she left, I got a few more things gathered around. I attempted to eat, which was pretty much impossible. Then I laid down and tried to sleep, But it was hard because I could only hear out my window, Mike Reilly calling in the finishers until midnight. It was a very rough night. I spent it reviewing everything in my frazzled brain. Was there anything I could of done different? Did I give up to soon? I could of pushed on? I could of done it? All the what-ifs and coulda, shoulda, woulda, ran through my head all night long. It was a very restless and unsettled night. But I kept thinking about how I felt. I know left it all out there, I had nothing left in the tank. I'm not sure I could of done anything differently.
I recapped the race with my coach a few days later. We rehashed everything from start to finish. All my data she reviewed showed I was on track, I followed the plan.Granted, my bike was slower, but I was on track with my power (when it worked) and my cadence (when it worked). The most we can figure is that the combo of the race day events, the heat, the humidity. Caused my body to shut down, and from that, even though I was trying to get in the fluids and nutrition, my body wasn't accepting it. And thus I started on a downward spiral somewhere around half way through the bike. I realize now, looking back that I stopped with my solid food by mile 56ish. I recall eating some of it on the back half between miles 60-70s and had to spit it out. I was ready to throw up on all fluid intake, even just sips of water. But I wonder..If i forced it down, could it have made a difference? Could I have make it and recovered? I don't know. And I've decided that, It is what it is. I can't go back and change it. So, I have to accept, I did the best I could at the time. I've learned some valuable lessons. And I know that at that time when I finally called it. I knew it was more then a "down point" in the race. I knew that I was quite possibly hurting my body, possibly permanently. They say it's harder to pull yourself out, when things are going south. We triathletes are such type A's, that it will have to take us practically losing a limb or dying before we will accept defeat. We. Don't. Give Up. We . Don't . Quit. It's Not An Option.
I slept most of the next day. I met up for lunch with my WA buddies who did finish. Cried a bit when they let me see their medal. But..I was so happy for them. I was happy that they finished. I didn't want to take away from their success and finish. I managed to get in some food. And I was happy I made myself leave the rental. But I was pretty spent with that little jaunt. So I was back at the rental once done with lunch. And spent the rest of the day mainly sleeping. I did go and get some food, to try and eat later. But then I came home and started my blog. I had so many thoughts in my head that I had to just start writing. I ended up staying up til almost 1 AM writing. Then I went to sleep. Again another fitful, unrestful sleep.
I woke on Tuesday. Got up early and headed out to go to Rocky Mountain National Park. I needed to go to the mountains to soothe my aching soul. I always feel better, when I can go to the mountains or the water. So I went and got some Rocky Mountain High. Then I came home, and attempted to eat dinner, the packed up for home on Wednesday.
were a bit jealous.
Boulder. You have given me so many amazing memories. I met my all time favorite athletes (Crowie and Rinny). I got to see my WA friends (Joe, Jason, Lousia). I got my heart broken and denied my #3 and now I have to go home empty handed. But I also got to soothe my soul in the Rocky Mountain's. I met some amazing new friends (Medic/Fireman Dan, and now my DNF Buddies!) And I'm coming home not as a failure (though it feels that way), but stronger with more lessons learned. But, I promise this....I. Will. Be. Back. And next time, I won't come home empty handed. Boulder, I'll see you Aug. 2nd, 2015. It's Redemption Time.
Lessons Learned from Boulder 2014:
1. No matter how well you plan, train, and prepare, Things happen that are out of your
control, and no matter what you do, sometimes, it just is what it is.
2. Respect the Distance. All Races are different, you can't compare them. For Boulder
Ironman..... There was an 11% DNF (249 athletes). 400 athletes ended up in the medical tent at
some point. 18 ended up in the hospital.
3. You will learn from your failures, and you will become stronger for it.
4. Nutrition- Although you thought you had it planned out. It wasn't enough for the hotter
race, with more hills. Time to reassess your nutrition needs, calories from
food/liquids/gels, etc. An overhaul perhaps?
5. Dehydration- education yourself on it...extensively.
6. Bike Training-- Hill Work. LOTS OF HILL WORK.
7. Move to Colorado.....
8. Train in Humidity. And figure out what the heck is going on with this "asthma" thing.
Seriously frustrating that it just started this past Spring.
8. Train on course with the Training Camp Weekends that will be provided for Boulder Ironman.
I know I have more to add...but this is all I have for now.
I'm taking two quotes off of Fireman Rob's Wall. He didn't finish either.
"There are times in life when both physical and mental strength align. And then there are times when even with whole hearted dedication and training the elements and/or conditions can bring even the strongest of us to our knees."
"Our Greatest Glory is not in never falling but rising every time we fall."
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